My last week... - A Movement In Time And Space
Moving through time and space in our own way
My last week...
My last week in Seoul has been pretty bad, actually. Emotionally speaking, of course. It hit me that we're actually going to live there and it will probably, in all likelyhood, be permanent (well, as permanent as anything is these days). And I started to get pretty bummed out about having to start all over and not having any say in the matter. Thursday night, I had it out with Chris. I guess I made one snide comment too many and he had had it with me. He blew up (as much as Chris can blow up, he's more intense when he gets mad, whereas I am just insane when I get mad) and I stewed in that for a few minutes until I basically asked him what gave him the right to make such a huge move without much input from me.

(A quick flashback: back in January while he was in Seoul on a business trip, one night on the phone he said, "I have something I need you to do." I just knew what he was about to say: "Think about moving to Seoul for a couple of years" I laughed until I realized that he was serious. He had been offered a pretty amazing opportunity which could prove to be quite profitable in a few years. Well, let's think about it, I said. 4 days later, he informed me that he was officially offered the job and he was going to accept it. HELLO! What happened to thinking about it???)

Anyway, all in all, the conversation basically was that he thought he didn't have a choice (not much was happening for him here as far as his consulting business was concerned) and he didn't have much time to think about it. I was pretty uncertain about the time contrainst, but the rational side of me understood his need to provide for his family and not have to worry about us anymore. I know that he had been worried each month about which client would not be needing his services this month and where was the money for the the mortgage and the bills coming from. And when would we be able to afford health insurance for all of us (the kids were covered, thankfully). He never let his anxiety show because that would make me totally stressed out (which isn't hard for me to do). And taking this amazing job would alleviate all those worries.

And I understand all that. Really I do. But my problem has always been, at its core, that my say in the matter was zero. Oh, I suppose I could have put my foot down and said that I'm not moving, but that would have been just totally selfish. I had to make him understand that everything that I am feeling stems from the fact that, basically, I was just told that we're moving to Korea. I am not the type of wife who just does as she's told, so that was a HUGE deal for me. Some people have wives like that. Some people want wives like that. And unfortunately, I have encountered that attitude a lot in Seoul. And that doesn't help me feel any better that we're surrounded by that kind of attitude there. Believe me, that won't be rubbing off on Chris if I have anything to say about it (which I most certainly will!).

Of course, I know Chris - he isn't like that. Which I suppose made the whole thing even more unbearable for me. He is an amazing husband and father (I happen to think the best in both roles). He goes above and beyond the call of duty (and believe me, I call a lot!). He fully believes in the 50/50 rule: he is 50% responsible for creating our children, so he is 50% responsible in taking care of them too. And that 50% doesn't just encompass bringing home the bacon. He has done his fair share of diapers, he takes care of them while I go out, he gives them baths, he takes them out to play and participates as much as he can in Maya's co-op preschool in LA. He does all that, but I still worry that traditional attitudes of husband and wife roles will rub off on him. And why shouldn't I worry? Already he has said we're moving and I have to follow.

Alright, not really, but that's what it feels like to me. And I think that is what I had to make him understand that night. And I think I succeeded. And if not, maybe I will have after he reads this entry!

And yet, all that, and I am actually a little sad about leaving! What the heck?? Well, the weather is beautiful now and I keep hearing about all these spring festivals that start at the end of April and in May. I'll miss all that. And the city is changing before my eyes - grass, flowers, trees are all growing and blooming. The colors are going from blahs to vibrants. It has been a long time since I've experienced the actual change of seasons and it is pretty dramatic.

And of course, I will miss Chris. He is my soulmate, as corny as that sounds. My best friend, my true partner. And the best helper when it comes to the kids!

So, I leave Seoul on Monday, April 18th. On a 10 1/2 hour flight, just me and the kids. Am I insane?? Yeah, probably.

See you on the other side...

What I'm feeling: indescribable indescribable

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