It was pretty disconcerting how quickly my mood changed from actually being a little sad about leaving Seoul to hating the thought of living here. It was like someone turned a mood switch, it was so sudden and so strong. I'm not saying that I am better today. I'm not. I still am upset, mad and depressed about my situation. But I don't want to be such a whiner. I mean, it could be worse, right? It could be that Chris is in the military and being shipped off somewhere in danger. It could be that he doesn't have a job. It could be...well it could be a lot of things but it isn't. It is what it is and it sucks.
I'm going back to the US on Monday, April 18th. I can't wait! And there is a side of me that doesn't want to come back. Actually, not a side of me, all of me. Why should I want to come back here? No thanks, I'd rather be back in LA where I have my life, my independence. The only downside is no Chris. And that's a biggie, of course. I do love my husband despite all this. I may resent him right now, but I love him too.
I am envious of what he has: the opportunity to travel (he'll be going to Japan and China after the kids and I leave)and a fulfilling job (I see him excited with the way the company is taking off). I guess I want to go back to work, to feel that sense of accomplishment. But I also want to be at home for my children. However, I am no good to them at the present time. I love my children and I want to be around to watch them grow up.
Amazing what this choice does to a woman, a mother. Why should I feel guilty for wanting more than just to raise my children? And yet, there it is. However, and here is the kicker, it wasn't there when I was in North Hollywood. I was busy, fulfilled. I had my outlets, as my friend Wendy said. I saw myself being a SAHM for the foreseeable near future. I had my volunteering positions, was looking forward to getting involved in Maya's kindergarten school in the Fall. Nadia would be going to preschool and I'd stay involved in that. I had my social circle, opportunity to get my break from my duties as a Mom.
And that's something that I never thought was all that important, but it turns out those times away from the kids really did wonders for me. Recharged my batteries, even though whenever I went out with my friends all we ever talked about were our kids! Chris and I got our chances, as slim as they were, to go out without the kids. Man, we all wonder where children get their endless supply of energy. They get it from us! And I haven't had a break from the girls for about two months now. Another reason I can't wait to get back to the States. I'll be spending about three weeks with my family in Seattle, Washington, and they have promised to give me plenty of time to go out by myself! WOO HOO!
*sigh* I'll vent more later. I'm tired. As usual...